Monday, January 15, 2018

Long time coming

It has been a long time people.

After my mother passed away I threw myself into my family and work. With the changes in my life, there was little time left for writing and exploring my writing.I have some big career changes and some days I wonder if I will be able to catch up. And that is where I usually am... playing catch up.

The last year was hard. Very hard. And the sad thing is that I couldnt control a single thing. Its a terrible feeling when things happen and you find yourself sinking and it was none of your doing. Nothing you brought on yourself and nothing you can control. And as you are sinking you are watching the rest of the world go about their business... and you can barely breathe.

I am finally feeling the inkling again and hope to write more in the days and weeks to come.
Its almost like I have so much to write, no time to write so I dont write at all.
Poor excuse- I know.

Hell, I hardly can find the time to read! But then again there hasnt been much to read lately. If a book doesnt grab me in the first 100 pages I put it down. Not going to waste my time. There have been many books put down lately.

So... this is my first post in 6 months - seems like so much longer.
I will start to do this much more often.

Monday, June 5, 2017


Chris Cornell – Follow Up

This isn’t the first time I have written about a celebrity suicide that truly bothered me. Robin Williams was the first. My daughter will still say something about him when we are watching one of his movies. Last night Aladin was on and she said “this movie makes me sad because he is gone” (the genie) To which I give the standard parent response… well honey, at least we have his movies to keep his talent alive and make us smile.

We have lost many great talents in the last few years. Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson, George Michael… but I will have to say that Robin Williams and Chris Cornell were the ones that made my heart hurt. I think it is because they were truly lost and sad souls that intentionally took their own life.

But back to Chris Cornell -
God bless his tortured lost soul. His voice was so powerful and amazing. I have him singing to me in my ear buds this morning at work. An amazing talent that had so much more to give.

The coroner states that the level of prescriptions in his system were not levels to be considered contributing factors to his mental state.  I am heartbroken no one was there for him at his lowest point to bring him back. I can’t imagine what it is like to be in that dark corner of the mind where ending your life is your only solution.

I think the saddest part about these people we love and their suicides is that we all wish we could have been there for them, to stop them, to listen to them and save them from themselves. But no one can see something like that coming. These people have already made up their minds and honestly it is only a matter of time and opportunity before they carry out their intentions.

I still think Sam and Dean Winchester need to check things out in Seattle. 

Friday, May 19, 2017


I am sitting here drinking my required cup of coffee – a little late but better late than never – and still thinking about the death of Chris Cornell. One of my favorite rock voices, I loved to hear him sing covers and put his grunge twist on songs like Billie Jean, Nothing Compares to U and I Will Always Love You. I will miss him but will long treasure his voice and music on my iPod.

They are now saying, according to his wife, he may have taken one too many Ativan. I can understand him having sleeping issues and needing rest, especially after an adrenalin driven concert. The need for rest is essential for him to keep going. If this sleep aid causes suicidal thoughts why would anyone take it? I would much rather them take Temazepam or Xanax and Advil PM. I would think if he took too many he would be more at risk of respiratory failure 
This beautiful talented man that had it all, love, family, success suddenly hung himself in a hotel for no reason?

Unless… and just think about it… back in the day when the big 4 were coming out of seattle…Nirvana, Alice in Chains, Soundgarden and Pearl Jam all came into the mainstream rock scene about the same time. And I am not even including Andy Wood – lead singer of Mother Love Bone. Huge success for all 4 bands.Now all but one lead singer is dead. All the other band members are here but the lead singers… only one left. Eddie Vedder.

Washington Post -
After Chris Cornell’s death: ‘Only Eddie Vedder is left. Let that sink in.’

Now I may have been watching too much television in my life but it is sad about the way these men died when you look at the big picture. Honestly, Kurt Cobain didn’t really surprise me, Lane Staley who had a history of drug problems off and on suddenly overdosed when he was supposed to be clean (but wasnt found for a week?? that is very sad). And now Chris Cornell who had left his drug problems behind him many years ago, hangs himself because he may have taken too much Ativan? If this were an episode of Supernatural Dean and Sam Winchester would be heading straight to Eddie Vedder’s house for some answers about who made the deal at the crossroads..

Friday, May 12, 2017

Hey Pamela

My mother died at approximately 330AM on a Friday morning three years ago. Ever since, that time of night has been a special time for me mainly because if I wake up I know she is waking me up. Sometimes I know why and sometimes I don’t. I will usually wake up only to go back to sleep and dream of her. In some way, I think she wakes me up so I can go back to sleep and she can come to me in my dreams and talk to me. By the way.. today is Friday.

Lately I wake up at least once a night – hoping it is still the wee hours of the morning with plenty of time left to go back to sleep, only to find it is about 10 minutes before my alarm is due to ring. I am a little disappointed because I always hope it is about 330 AM.

Last night I woke up, knowing I was going to look at the clock and it say 545AM. To my surprise, it was 305AM. I thought of my mother, smiled and went back to sleep. The next time I woke up it was 10 minutes before my alarm but I had had a visit from mom and it was so vivid I had to write it down before it faded.

She was decorating for a holiday. And I am not sure why because she hated decorating for Christmas.  It had to be Christmas because she was putting out snow and decorations.  But it was fake snow like cotton clouds with glitter to make it look like snow. Anyway, I was standing there with her looking at her decorations and she said something about the snow and she said “I wish they could see this” and I said “it is pretty”. I knew who she was talking about, her two grandchildren.  She put her arm around my shoulders and kissed my temple and while looking at the decorations she was upset and said “My babies won’t remember me”. And as clear as I am sitting here typing this I said to her “Don’t worry, I won’t let them forget.” And we just stood there for a moment with her arm around my shoulder, looking at her decorations and the next thing I knew I was waking up.

I wish she could see my daughter. Smart, tall and beautiful, getting ready to drive and take on the world. I look at her sometimes and she takes my breath. She would eat up my son, and he would adore her. She would want him to tell her all about space, listen to every word, and marvel at how smart he is.  They would be beyond perfect in her eyes and she would brag on them every breath. As I am sure she is doing in heaven.