Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Freedom From Ashes

Quote for Today:
You own everything that has happened to you. Tell your stories.
If people wanted you to write warmly about them they should have behaved better.

I have hundreds of pages in a journal/memoir and have been writing over many years. The thought of publishing it as a self-help/memoir/motivational/ survival or inspirational book has crossed my mind but I have dismissed it on many occasions because I knew that making a lot of things public knowledge would be extremely painful for my mother. Some things happened in my life that she is not aware of, or was not aware of the extent. I knew she would be shocked, hurt, embarrassed, devastated and feel personally responsible for trusting the wrong people and putting her daughter in harm’s way. I couldn't do that to her. It would break her heart and I love my mother too much to drag her through a painful past that was hard enough just for her – let alone finding out there was so much more to the story.

My mother passed away on April 24, 2014. Up until now I have put my own personal feelings aside out of love and respect for her and the life we have created after the things we have been through. I don’t have to keep things locked up anymore for safe keeping. Now is the time for my personal journey of healing to begin. Now that she is gone she is relieved and excused of the responsibility of the past. And I am free. Free to open up those windows, let the fresh air and sunshine in. My soul needs this.
 My mother, as well as myself and others in my family, are strong believers that life doesn't end here with ones death. Life goes on, just a different form. She had been to see John Edward several times in the past and was convinced he was definitely the real deal. Not long after she passed one of the first things we asked each other was –when is John Edward coming? As soon as we realized it was only a matter of weeks before he was in town we immediately ordered tickets. I went to see him once with them and not a single time did he say anything that applied to me so I was eager to see if now that she was gone she would come through.

So here I am in a room full of people that feel the same way and are hoping they get some kind of indication that the loved one they miss so terribly is ok. John Edward said something so very true at the beginning of his session… he said that although we feel the loss and miss these loved ones dearly – they don’t miss us. And this is why… because they are still with us, every day as we go about our lives they are still with us... but we don’t see it or hear it as if they were alive. There are no coincidences in this life and if you think that your passed loved one is communicating with you they more than likely are. That registered with me as something I will continue to tell myself every day.

This session begins at 6PM, over at 8PM, and he spends about 30 minutes talking about what he does and how he does it and how we know he is talking to us or the person next to us. The only thing I don’t like about it is that he spends 20 minutes or more talking to one group of people and I think by the end of the night he had only addressed 5-6 different families. I looked at my watch after an hour and 45 minutes and thought to myself… damn. Nothing. Nothing even close to applying to me. Only 15 minutes left and this thing is over… and I got nothing. And then he said the one and only thing that could apply to me out of about 250 people. He pointed to the area of the room I was sitting in and said … “I am being pulled to this area. And I know this will sound strange but this person will know who they are when I say this… Who in this area has a connection to the old TV show Dynasty” You could have blown me over with a feather. I was the only person in that room with a connection to that show. And apparently I wasn't the only one that knew it. So I raised my hand, was handed a microphone, and he asked me what was my connection. I told him my daughter’s name is Fallon. He leaned back on his chair and smiled… “yes, that is it”… and so it began… Poor fella was supposed to end at 8PM… she kept him going till about 815 PM.

This was one of the things he said to me that shocked me.

John Edward - Chicago… are you going to Chicago?
Me- No
John Edward - Have you been to Chicago?
Me- no
John Edward - he is showing me Chicago, Oprah etc… insisting about Chicago
Me- (laughing) well… this is kind of a joke but I tell my friends that I am writing a book and I am going to be on Oprah
John Edward - that is it… Chicago, Oprah, OWN network, O show… I’m seeing Oprah everywhere.
Me- its funny you say that because I just finished the chapter about living in Lebanon and going to church with my grandfather.
John Edward – yes. I’m not saying what will transpire with this book, I am just saying this is a good thing. He wants you to always remember how beautiful it was

No one in that room but me knew about this book. Just that little interaction validated what I was trying to accomplish and that maybe this is a good thing. Only one way to find out.Facing the demons is only the beginning. All these people are no longer in my life but they haunt my very existence every day. They are always in the shadows lurking and reminding me that this world is not a safe place. Has it clarified my vision of the world around me and the safety of my children? Yes. But it has also followed me like a black cloud all my life.

I have always been hesitant about sharing my story with anyone. How would I appear to others? Weak, pitiful a tortured soul in denial? I am not sure, and now I am to the point that I don’t really care. I have often thought about those people that told their story only to be called out on some of the facts. That will not happen here. There is no embellishing, no fluff for the reader to make it more interesting. It is what it is… or it was what it was. There is nothing written that cannot be verified, corroborated or validated one way or another. 
I am inviting you to come along with me on this journey. It is a story about coming out on the other side of circumstances in life and the fact that every day is a gift, what you do with it is up to you.  That is my goal … and I am doing my work. Writing is my therapy and I may write in circles but that is how my mind is working through it all. I will soon feel that sun shine on my soul – warming and healing so I can move on with the next chapters of my life. This will be the story and journey of acknowledgement, forgiveness and learning that the glass is always half full to full… no matter what mood I am in.