It is Monday. End of January 2015.
I haven’t written much since November. Almost a three month hiatus.
And I feel like I am going to explode.
I have been sick, cranky, moody and sad with the brief highlights of happiness thrown in here and there. The holidays were rough and I did my best to trudge through them with as few openly sad and crying moments as possible. The absence of my mother was like walking around with a wet towel over my head making it sometimes hard to breathe without choking on the sadness that was trying to suffocate me. I am now 30 days on the other side of it and I honestly believe if I could see the sun shine for more than a day I would feel so much better.
It has rained and rained and rained…. There are two large ponds of water in the field next to my house. They are so large, and the ground is so saturated that I feel the need to call FEMA and get some flood insurance. I bet it is almost to my knees in some places. If I didn’t know better I would think I was living in rural Washington state.
We went to the beach week before last and it was AMAZING to get in the sunshine. It was 60 degrees and not a cloud in the sky all day on a Saturday. I cant tell you the good that did for my mental state. The older I get the more I want to be in the warmth of the sun. It is going to be 50 degrees this Saturday and 0% chance of rain… guess where I am headed… that is right. Have to… no question about it.
I feel like being in that blessed sunshine will renew my soul from the dreary existence I have been living for several months. I actually think I am going to take my chair out on the beach… with a blanket (of course!) and let it shine on my face and burn away all the negativity that is hovering around me like a grey cloud. I fight it back every day, and by the grace of God (Bonnie, there is that grace you talk about) it will not consume me.
I now understand what Superman feels like when he is worn down by kryptonite and turns to the warmth and power of the yellow sun to feel alive and 100% again.