One year ago yesterday I had the last conversation I would ever have with my mother.
I didn’t know at the time it was going to be our last conversation. I knew we were in trouble, I knew we were facing odds that were insurmountable in so many ways. What I didn’t know was that we wouldn’t even get the chance to fight that fight and that my last words with her would be just that… my last words with her…. about my new haircut.
It has been the hardest year of my life. Sometimes the sadness comes at me like a tidal wave triggered by a song on the radio or something so funny that I can only think about calling her and telling her about it. But I can’t. My poor 5 year old is cautious of even mentioning her because he doesn’t want to see me cry. He will say “don’t cry ok mommy?” Which only makes it that much harder not to cry. As time has moved on I can hold back the tears a little better because I don’t want him not to talk about her or remember her. I want my kids to remember how wonderful she was and how proud she was to be their grandmother. I hope I can keep that alive for them. I know they feel close to her when we go to the beach. They talk about her a lot more when we are there as opposed to when we are at home and we look forward to that time so much.
I had never experienced a loss like I did when she passed. And sometimes in my weaker moments I am afraid that dealing with losing her was only a stepping stone or a learning experience to be able to deal with an even bigger loss in the future. As if the universe is telling me …”see?, you can do it… you can grieve and mourn and come out on the other side because time is your friend and time heals”.
I am more grateful for the little things now … because as they say… looking back I will see they were the big things.
It is Springtime again and time for everything to grow and bloom.
I am ready for that sun to shine on my soul and make me feel alive!
That is me.... doing my happy dance...